


All or Nothing

by Tamasha



Series: The Parties of Our Lives [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up Talk, Broken Engagement, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Engagement, Feels, Fights, Gay, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Living Together, Love, M/M, Modern Era, Relationship(s), Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: Arthur keeps bringing up wedding plans, as if it is happening SOON. Merlin is trying to avoid talking about it, because he knows when the subject is breached, there is going to be a fight. But Arthur keeps pushing and planning and Merlin finally has to ask: when does he really want to get married?It's all downhill from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara

Gwaine and Percival had pretty much all but made their relationship official. Elena had told Gwaine that if he wanted an open relationship then she would not be able to date him, that was about two months ago, so now that Gwaine had started hooking up with Percival she was of course texting Merlin about it. Merlin didn’t mind that she was venting to him, he just thought he had left all that drama behind when he moved out. Unfortunately Elena and Gwaine still shared the apartment and Elena was trying to see if Merlin and Arthur could take Gwaine’s room. But Gwaine was stubborn and Merlin was quite happy at his new place with Arthur.

"Do you think, since it's my wedding and all, that I should invite Uther?" Arthur broke through Merlin’s thoughts, pulling him back to their room.

Merlin had moved in with Arthur about two months ago. And a month before that they had told each other that they wanted to get married one day. Merlin loved the idea of marrying Arthur, but Arthur brought it up, a lot. As time went on, Arthur brought it up more and more frequently too. It wasn’t that Merlin didn’t want to plan it, but they had only been dating for a grand total of eight months. Not even a year! Was Arthur really expecting to get married after less than a year of dating?

"I don’t know," Merlin began, dreading commitment to an answer. He knew that Arthur was just trying to plan out what he could of the wedding, but there seemed to be more substance to his questions lately and Merlin was worried he would upset Arthur if he didn't give him the answers that he was looking for. "Yes, I guess... I mean, you don't have to talk to him any time soon, you can wait a few months and see how you feel." Merlin shouldn't have said that; he had avoided using any amount of time as a frame of reference when talking about the wedding. "Or like, I don’t know. You just don't need to worry about it now." Maybe they didn't have to discuss it tonight. It was late and Merlin was already in bed, tired.

Arthur was sitting cross-legged on the end of the bed with his binder. He usually used it for grading papers, but Merlin suspected elements of wedding planning were taking over tonight. "What do you mean I don't need to worry about it right now?"

That was the tone Arthur had been using all month. The tone that made Merlin cringe and feel guilty. As if he was supposed to care more about a wedding that was meant to be a far away idea, but was much more of a reality for Arthur. "I don’t know, Arthur. Just invite him, I guess. That will be good. Yeah. Invite Uther."

There. Merlin had answered his question, so maybe it would be dropped. He didn’t want to to get in a fight, and he certainly didn’t want to make Arthur believe he wasn’t still thinking of marriage, so avoiding the topic for now was best.

Arthur set his binder down on the floor and moved closer to Merlin on the bed. He straightened up as if he were going to scold Merlin like a child - or one of his students. He even folded his hands, looking directly into Merlin’s eyes. 

This was bull-shit, Merlin didn’t have to discuss their entire future tonight. He looked back at his phone to read Elena's response. As he started to compose a text message to her, Arthur cleared his throat. "Merlin!"

Merlin’s head snapped up. "What?"

"Are you listening to me?" Arthur could be an utter prat when he wanted to be.

"Yes." Merlin readied himself for a fight. He knew it was coming. He knew the signs at this point, better than he wanted to.

Breathing deep, Arthur asked, "Merlin, is something wrong?"

"No," Merlin lied, because he really didn’t want anything to be wrong. He really just wanted to sleep, cuddle with Arthur and Lucy and forget about all of it. "Nothing is wrong. I just..." Shut up, Merlin. "... feel like this wedding planning is a lot of pressure."

"Pressure?" Arthur asked incredulously.

Merlin sat up on his elbows. "It's just a lot, you know? I don't really want to think about it right now."

"Right now?" Arthur said, disbelieving.

Merlin sighed. No matter what he said it would be taken negatively. Because that was Arthur, seeing the worst in everything. God, Merlin just wanted things to go back to how they were before he moved in when things didn’t feel so real and life-changing. It wasn’t that he didn't want to do all those things with Arthur, it was just happening at whirlwind speeds that he couldn’t keep up with.

After some silence on Merlin’s part, as he scrambled for words, Arthur broke in again. "When would be a good time to talk about it, Merlin?" That was it. The way Arthur said Merlin’s name was the end of the quiet before the storm. He was hurt and angry and those two things were a bad combination for Arthur.

Merlin didn’t want to lie to his fiance, but he couldn't deal with hurting him either. It was a catch 22 and Merlin was trapped. "Arthur, " Merlin said softly, sitting up across from him on the bed. "Let's worry about it later. It's down the line so let's not stress about it right now."

"We are getting married, Merlin. We need to plan the wedding, and we can’t do that without talking about it!"

Fuck it. Arthur was going to be mad either way, and unless Merlin decided to marry him right now, just to save Arthur’s feelings, then Merlin wouldn’t be doing it for himself. And that wasn’t fair to either of them. "But we aren't getting married anytime soon! It's not for another year or two, so why are you asking me all these detailed questions? Invite your dad, whatever, but stop asking me about cake and chapels and shit that doesn't need to be discussed until right before the wedding."

" _ You _ said you wanted to marry me," Arthur bit out, very matter-of-factly. 

"I do," Merlin breathed, desperately. He needed Arthur to believe that he still wanted to. If he didn’t believe that, everything would be fucked.

Arthur stood up and began to pace. "Then why can't we plan it?"

"Arthur, when do you want to get married?" Merlin tried to keep calm. But they needed to have this talk eventually. They both must have known it was coming.

"I don’t know." Arthur's back was to Merlin.

"Arthur," Merlin sat up on his knees, still on the bed. "Answer me. When do you want to get married?"

"Maybe a year. I don’t know."

"A year?" Merlin cried, before he could stop himself. "That's no time at all Arthur! I've had sweaters that couldn’t even last a year in my closet. How could I be ready to commit to marriage in a year?"

Those were the exact wrong words to say. Merlin really needed to learn to shut his big mouth.

Arthur stilled, inhaling deeply. As he let out his breath, it was shaky, making Merlin's heart clench. "You were ready two months ago." His voice was soft as he turned slowly towards Merlin.

"We were fighting, and it sounded so nice. And I want to marry you Arthur. I do. But all this is terrifying." Merlin was trembling, but he couldn't stop. That was what he was feeling. He was scared shitless, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to get married.

Arthur scowled, sadness turning to anger. "The thought of marrying me is terrifying?"

How could he make Arthur understand!? Everything was slipping so fast. Only twenty minutes ago Merlin was worried about a friend's drama, now his world was crumbling before him. "I don’t know." Merlin leaned against the wall, curling his knees to his chest. "I want to so bad. Please believe that. I want... I just can't help how I feel."

Merlin heard the familiar jingle of keys before his head snapped up, and he found Arthur slipping on his shoes. "Fine," he muttered as he headed for the door.

No.

Wait.

What?

Hold on.

Fuck. Speak, Merlin, speak!

Arthur was leaving; he couldn’t leave. 

Moving just in time, Merlin grabbed Arthur’s hand before he closed the door. "Wait, Arthur, wait. Please for the love of god, don't leave." Arthur jerked his hand out of Merlin's grasp, but he lingered. Merlin was at the end of the bed, frozen. Unshed tears stung his eyes, ready to fall at any moment. "Just listen to me," Merlin said, hardly even a whisper.

Then Arthur did the most amazing thing. He came back in the room and closed the door. He didn’t move from his place by the door, or look at Merlin, but he was still here. For the first time in Merlin’s life, someone had actually stayed. Merlin still had a chance to make things right.

But he still had no idea how to do that. The situation hadn't changed, he just knew he couldn’t lose Arthur. The silence was painfully long, making it harder to speak. Arthur slid down the wall to the floor and let his head rest on his knees.

Finally, Merlin managed a ragged breath. "I want to be good enough, Arthur." It wasn’t supposed to sound so pitiful, even Merlin knew that it wasn't the fair thing to say, but he truly felt inadequate in that moment.

Why should he feel scared of being with Arthur for the rest of his life? He knew that every thought about the future had to include Arthur in it. Life without Arthur was something unimaginable. But Merlin’s past didn’t allow him to use his logic to erase his feelings. He knew Arthur was different from all the rest, but somehow it still felt like history could repeat itself and Merlin would be stuck with his hopes high and Arthur would leave him. Like he almost had done...

"Merlin," Arthur croaked. "You are good enough." A wave of relief came over Merlin. Arthur was still trying. At least he had that. "If you need time," Arthur started slowly, as if was physically painful to speak. "We don't have to get married."

That was exactly what Merlin was afraid of. That was always the beginning of the end. If Arthur didn’t want to marry Merlin anymore then how could Merlin be sure he wouldn’t just walk out that door and never come back? If they weren't working towards something, what the hell was the point?

"Ever?" Merlin muttered.

"What the hell, Merlin?" Arthur stood up, flashing back to anger. "I'm the one who wants to fucking marry you. You are the one who apparently is terrified of the thought of being with me."

"I'm not," Merlin sputtered uselessly. "I'm not terrified of being with you, I just I don’t think the way you do, Arthur! I can't plow into decisions and rush into things.  _ You _ make a decision and you go for it. You put everything you are into everything you do. You made the decision to be a teacher so you ran away from home, ended your relationship with your father, and signed up for university all in one day. I can't even handle having a single job for a week. I get bored! I am not  _ you _ , Arthur."

"So you'll get bored of me?" Arthur crossed his arms.

Merlin let his head fall in his waiting hands. He wasn’t even sure how to rationalize his own feelings, but he knew Arthur needed a logical response. A reason to stay. "Every time I think about the future, you are there. I want to work toward marriage, I just don't see it happening the way you do."

"Fine. So we won't get married," Arthur repeated conclusively.

So it was concluded. Arthur had made up his mind. Merlin didn’t want to get married right away, so it wasn't going to happen at all. Eventually Arthur would realize he wanted someone who would marry him as soon as he wanted and he would leave Merlin to find that person. That was it.

"Fine," Merlin mumbled, grabbing his pillow from the bed. "Just go." He drop onto the bed and the tears really did fall then. He hugged the pillow tightly, letting go of his emotions.

Everything that he had ever thought was different and unique about Arthur proved to be wrong. He couldn’t just be with Arthur and be happy. Merlin had to always go and fuck everything up. And this problem wasn’t going to just go away. It would always hang over them and Arthur would resent Merlin either way. It was over and Merlin needed to accept that.

A hand came to rest on Merlin’s back, and the bed sank a little on Arthur’s side. "Is that what you want?"

"No," Merlin barely was able to get out.

"Okay," Arthur sighed. "Okay." 

They sat like that as Merlin composed himself. "I can stay at Gwaine's tonight."

Arthur pulled his hand away and sat against the headboard. "God, Merlin, what do you want?"

Merlin turned to face Arthur. "What do you mean? You are the one who doesn't want to get married anymore."

"Of course I do. This fight was about you not wanting to get married."

Merlin sat up quickly, frustrated that Arthur let his own insecurities blind his understanding. "Arthur, I want to marry you. I just need time."

"And I'll give you time. We won't even talk about marriage. We’ll go back to being what we were before."

Merlin swallowed. "Which is?"

"Just boyfriends."

Boyfriends? Neither of them wanted that, but technically Arthur was right. That was the logical next step. Merlin wasn’t ready for marriage, so they wouldn't get married. That was how it should be. Apparently. But Merlin couldn’t see it that way. He liked having a fiancé. It meant Arthur wasn’t going to leave so easily. It meant they were working together to achieve a goal. They were in it together and one day would be in it forever. That was what they were. They weren't "boyfriends".

"Okay," Merlin said shakily.

A long torturous moment of silence passed.

"Merlin?" Arthur looked pained. "Are you still going to Gwaine’s?"

"No, Arthur. I'm not going to Gwaine’s."

Arthur's face relaxed and he let out his breath softly. He nodded, not looking at Merlin. "Good."

"He stinks." Merlin hoped it wasn't too soon for jokes.

Arthur raised a brow, but didn't verbally respond.

"I'm not going to leave you, Arthur," Merlin said as sternly as he could muster. "I wouldn't ever leave you."

Finally, Arthur faced Merlin. "Good," he said again, but this time he was more assured.

Merlin still had no idea what all this meant. They weren't engaged, but they weren't leaving each other. The conversation was far from over, but both were drained and neither could handle talking about it anymore. Arthur probably still hated that Merlin couldn’t commit, but at least he was still here. Even if he was just a boyfriend.

"Can we just drop this? We can talk about it as much as you want later. I just really want to be okay right now."

Arthur nodded, as if he were desperate too for it all to be behind them. Merlin settled in on the bed, and Arthur got the lights. He slipped into the blankets, throwing them over Merlin also. There was space between them, filled with the remaining tension, but Merlin told himself it would get better. It had to get better.

Then Arthur’s hand slipped in next to Merlin’s, as an invitation. Merlin accepted, holding on tight to that hand he never wanted to let go of. It was almost painful how much he wanted that hand to always be there, because it was so close to not being there tonight, and that thought was really the most terrifying one of all.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked, into the darkness.

"Yes, Merlin?"

He took a deep breath, hoping all was not lost, that things really could fall back into something good again. Because Arthur had said he would give Merlin time. And they would still be boyfriends. But he wasn’t sure if that was good enough for Arthur. He still had no idea if Arthur was okay with how he was feeling. If Arthur had any doubts, Merlin needed to know them. "You know I love you, right?"

Silence.

The longest seconds of Merlin’s life were spent in the instant of time.

"I guess."

There was a stabbing pain in Merlin’s chest. An actual constricting feeling that just wouldn’t go away. The tears were coming back. Stronger than before. "You guess?" Merlin choked.

He wasn’t even ready for a response. He didn’t want to hear one. He'd never be able to convince Arthur that he still loved him, because whatever he did wouldn't be good enough. It was all or nothing with Arthur. And since Merlin wasn’t strong enough to give Arthur his all, he'd be nothing.

He turned over in the bed, giving Arthur his back. He let out the sobs he had been holding back all night and just allowed himself to let it all go. Whatever he and Arthur were, it didn’t matter if Arthur didn’t know how much Merlin loved him. This was worse than Arthur leaving. If Arthur left, then at least Merlin could move on. But Arthur was in his bed, believing that he didn’t love him or want to be with him forever, and only staying because he felt obligated to.

"Don't cry." It sounded more like a demand than a request, but Merlin understood Arthur’s heart better than that. "Please, Merlin. I know you love me."

Merlin kept himself curled away from Arthur.

"Come here," Arthur begged, voice soft and worn.

It took everything Merlin had left in him to believe Arthur. It was hard, but he made the decision to trust Arthur in that moment because anything had to be better than nothing. Merlin rolled over till his head was on Arthur’s chest. It was the closest they had been all night and it was oddly cleansing being so physically close, as if their proximity made the fight and all their problems fade into nothing. And Arthur was warm. So warm. Merlin shut his eyes and drank in his boyfriend.

"I know you love me. I know you need more time before we get married. I still want to marry you, but we will go at your pace. For now, we won't even talk about marriage though. Okay?"

Merlin swallowed. He knew there were still misunderstandings. He knew Arthur wasn’t completely happy with the arrangement. But it was Arthur. And if he was still here, holding Merlin by his side, it was enough. It was all Merlin deserved to ask for. "Okay."

"Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?" Merlin said, positioning himself to look at Arthur.

"Promise that no matter how hard things get, no matter how bad the fight, you won't go back to Gwaine’s."

Merlin chuckled. He had to. Arthur had always been so insecure about Gwaine flirting with Merlin and even though he meant ‘don’t leave and stay with Gwaine’, there was an unspoken request that was Merlin not sleep with Gwaine either. Which was just ridiculous. That should have gone without being said. But then Arthur's face fell, scrunching up into a tight knot.

Merlin sat up, looking down at Arthur. "Of course I'm not going to go to Gwaine’s." He was still scowling as he sat up too. "Arthur." Merlin took Arthur’s hands determinedly. "I am not going to give up on you. No matter what."

Arthur nodded.

"Arthur?" Merlin said playfully. "I'm not going to sleep with Gwaine." Arthur tried to remain serious. He was good at that. But Merlin could always break him. "I promise. As long as you can keep the same promise."

Merlin waited for a laugh. Then, very seriously, Arthur replied, "I don’t think I can."

Merlin giggled, hitting Arthur in the face with his pillow. "You're such a prat." When he pulled it away, Arthur was grinning.

That smile was a blessing. It was the first of the evening, and Merlin felt like it was a symbol of hope. Maybe they would get through it. Maybe they could be fine again. As long as neither gave up. 

 


	2. Sad Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short piece, taking place the next morning. Don't read if you don't want a sad ending!

The next morning Arthur got up to go to work at 7 as he always did, Merlin whined as he always had at the alarm, but the routine broke when Arthur hadn’t kissed Merlin good morning. After getting ready, Arthur started to head out without a word.

"Arthur!" Merlin grunted playfully, despite his worry.

"What?" Arthur wasn’t a morning person at all.

"Come here!" Merlin demanded, beginning to need a shred of normalcy. Yes, the fight last night had been bad, but the make up sex was good and Arthur was always, if anything, more sweet after a fight.

Arthur sat down on the bed, next to Merlin. "What?"

"When will you be home?" Wrong question.

"I don’t know. Four maybe."

Merlin hummed a response. "I'll be home late." He sat up, looking over Arthur. He looked tired, as if he had not slept at all. Of course he had gotten less sleep than normal. Between the fight and the make up sex, Arthur had probably lost about three hours of sleep. But it seemed like he had instead been up all night.

That would explain the bad mood. Maybe Arthur wasn’t still mad at Merlin. Maybe he was just tired. But Merlin was smarter than that. The reason Arthur hadn’t slept was because he was thinking about the fight. All while Merlin slept soundly.

Merlin leaned in and kissed Arthur quickly. There was next to no response on Arthur’s part.

"Are we okay?" Merlin asked, knowing the answer, and knowing he didn’t want to hear it either.

"Yeah. We're okay." Was what Arthur said. But what he really meant was: No. No we are not okay. And we won't be okay for a very long time.

**Author's Note:**

> Natasha and I came up with this scene together and planned it out, but I wrote it. This is definitely a turning point in their relationship, and they have a hard time for a couple years, but don't worry! Our babies aren't going their separate ways! Read the other stories to see what their future holds.


End file.
